BRAND VALUATIONS: AN A-Z ON BRAND PERFORMANCE, SOME THAT MADE IT BIG TIME AND OTHERS WHICH BOMBED

Coolbrands are arbiters of which brands are cool or uncool in the UK. Coolbrands comprises a collective of stylistas, fashionistas, designers, media gurus and self-styled zeitgesters. Ego deficiency is not their biggest problem. It's fair to wonder at whether being rated cool by Coolbrands is the marketing equivalent of the curse of Hello magazine.

Cool is like style, once you proclaim it, you're probably past your cool-by-date. The coolest brands in the UK are the entirely predictable Apple, Aston Martin, iPhone and iPods of the big brand universe. As cutting edges go, this seems fairly blunt. 

Delve deeper into the findings and you unearth regional variances. If your desire is to be uber-cool in the West Midlands, your acceptance into the Birmingham bling brigade is to drive a Porsche and have an accessory blonde who brazenly sports Agent Provocateur under her shortest skirt and see-through blouse. It is clearly a contradiction in terms; the very negation of cool except in the literal sense of a cold breeze blowing up your knickers.  

Brummies are not and never will be overly-concerned with cool. Saturday shopping at the Bullring, Visa at the ready, followed by a night on the tiles on Broad Street is as cutting edge as it gets. Anyway, here's O Broin's Brand Valuations, an arbitrary process and highly unscientific, but not alien to the way an average punter might or might not think.

Brand A - Aer Lingus:  There's a yawning disparity emerging between Aer Lingus the brand and Aer Lingus the airline as management seeks to shed staff and cut costs. It's hard for a customer to ‘Enjoy your flight' as the advertising exhorts when it is crystal clear that the people looking after you are not enjoying their work. Aer Lingus is slowly and surely on the runway to becoming Aer Ryanair. Is this what management, staff and consumers want?

Brand B - Black: Cool advertising dudes always wore black, so did Johnny Cash and you can't get cooler than JC. Now we have a black F1 champion, black West Indian millionaire cricket superstars and a black US president, not to mention the unbeatable All Blacks.  Black is back with a bang, not that its appeal has ever really faded.

Brand C - Credit Crunchies: A new brand concept for a market-boosting cereal aimed at the financial services sector and ad agency credit controllers. Credit crunchies contain extra vitamins and minerals to regularise cash-flow, recapitalise your ying, improve your yang deficiencies and eliminate toxic wastes. Special mention to Cully & Sully, winners in the ST Comforting & Contemporary Category and the great packs designed by Brand Union.

Brand D - Dermot: Dermot Cafferky, who died last year. US economist Warren Bennis said  "leaders are people who do the right things, managers are people who do things right - there's a profound difference". Dermot was a leader; who through his work at Arrow Advertising gave life to the industry that lives on today (DDFH&B et al). Ar dheis De go raibh se.

Brand E - Eflow: We may grow to accept it, but will we ever grow to love it? A classic marketing challenge lies ahead to convince motorists of the value a road tolling system has to offer. We foresee big-budget TV commercials, not unlike another e-brand, ESB.

Brand F - Funderland: While FAS made a late (but first-class) run on the rails in the Cocoa Beach Awareness Stakes, it's now time for the Deep Winter Handicap. You're feeling low, so get down to the RDS and give yourself a cheap thrill, a queasy tummy and a taste of the tough ride that awaits everyone in marketing land. Seriously, if ever you need to discover and cherish your inner child, this will be the year. Take care out there, particularly of each other. No opportune redundancy programmes permitted. Agency bosses, take note. 

Brand G - GAA : As other sporting bodies (who whispered FAI?) struggle to hold lucrative sponsorship deals, the GAA will sail serenely on, eagerly supported by national, international, multinational and extra-terrestrial companies all trying to coat-tail the most successful fan-based organisation in the entire world. Ask the GAA to organise the London Olympics and they'd manage it not a bother and still have time for Sunday Mass. 

Brand H - Hughes & Hughes: Books by the shelf-load, assistants who haven't read everything ever written so you don't feel too intimidated to ask for advice and Costa Coffee with a free view of Dun Laoghaire Harbour... Irish too, just perfect brand harmony. 

COMPLETELY GAA-GAA Cork footballer Graham Canty, Nicky Doran head of marketing, Bord Gáis Energy Supply and Galway hurler All-Star Joe Canning at a launch in Croke Park. The GAA is probably the most successful fan-based organisation in the world and a big draw for marketers.

Brand I - Inda: As Brand Bertie fades into obscurity (or perhaps faces a recall) and Replacement Brand Biffo takes a battering, the time is right for Rival Brand Inda to claim market leadership. "If only..." as one Foxrock Fanny gestured in The Gables restaurant, "... if only Inda had a bit more jizz or go in him.". "Oh, if only I..." quips Richard Bruton.

Brand J - Jameson: Full marks to the reinvigorated and brilliantly promoted Jameson Dublin Film Festival, replete with work developed by local creative talent. But not-so-full marks to the freaky folk in M&C Saatchi's ads, photographed by the much lauded Rankin.

Brand K - Kopparberg: The underplayed quirky character of the low-budget Koppaberg Cider ads linger lightly in the memory bank in contrast to the strategically-dictated approaches of illustrious beer competitors whose creative efforts are not always as alive as they might be.

Brand L - Libertas: You may not agree with what Libertas espouses, but you have to admire the professionalism and communications that enabled Declan Ganley and his Libertassians to emerge out of nowhere and become a potent and irritating force on political scene.

Brand M - Magners: Leinster finally won the Magners League, but the cider brand lost market share in the pre and post-match piss-ups. Few would have the courage of Maurice Pratt who handed himself the managerial red card. Steve Earle's Galway Girl was song of the year.

Brand N - No-Logo-U-Know: We'll all be sneaking into Aldi and Lidl to stock up on unknown mystery brands at low prices before the year is out. If you are spotted by your big-spending FMCG client, your response is "I'm only here for a retail audit brand check". 

Brand O - Obama: An original name, great packaging, superb strategy, excellent front-man and a brilliant use of through-the-line advertising and marketing. Brand Obama is certainly the Brand of the Year, probably the Brand of the Decade. But how long will the honeymoon last?   Can we learn to live long-term with Brand O? Is feidir linn. 

Brand P - Paddy Power: Every day presents Paddy Power with a new photo op and if not, they simply invent one. Like turning pitch-side boards upside down in Croke Park.

Brand Q - Quinn Direct: The boss-behind-the-brand takes the concept of direct marketing to a new realm as he helps himself to a large loan from the parent company so he can take a massively misjudged punt on Anglo Irish Bank. Not healthy for the overall image of man or company. Customer insurance money is not a private plaything.

YOP ‘TIL YOU DROP Three-year-old Anoush Turner is already loyal to Yoplait. Her fondness for the yogurt brand suggests she's likely to be tucking into tubs many decades from now.

Brand R - Road Safety Authority: Still none too fond of the in-your-face advertising, but the road death figures are in decline and chairman Gay Byrne displays the required drive to force people to modify their dangerous road behaviour. Unlike other State appointees, Gaybo isn't afraid to lash out at the inaction of the political supremos who put him there.           

Brand S - Sharks: Has ever a brand caused more self-harm than the Kinsale Sharks Feeding Fest where delegates from every Irish agency (apart from Publicis) scented blood and went after the committee and jury panel more viciously than a fleet of Japanese trawler men chasing down whales? Are we all over it now lads? Good, no grudges.

Brand T - Transport 21: Will it ever happen as they promise? Our natural cynicism of the ability of politicians and planners to deliver makes this an interesting case study in changing deep-seated national attitudes. Like many well-meaning social marketing goals, it's, too naive in approach and designed to please the promoters rather than convince the target audience.

Brand U - UPC: Is there anyone out there with a good word to say for their customer service, or lack of it? Here is your chance. I love UPC because...

Brand V - VW:  No surprise here. As Vodafone fails to make the most of now and looks more like yesterday than tomorrow, the ever consistent tone of voice of VW advertising acts as a creative memorial to the Great Brand Father, the unique Bill Bernbach. 

Brand W - Wright: Last year ICAD celebrated 50 years of toiling might and main (or mane in the case of the pony-tailed creatives) in the cause of creativity in Irish advertising. For Marty and his team, it was all Wright in the Radisson on Golden Lane on the night.

Brand X - Brand X: As margins tighten, expect to see the return of Brand X and 20 per cent extra free as manufacturers demand more hard-sell competitive ads to win sales. 

Brand Y - Yoplait:  My three-year-old grand-daughter, Anoush, gives Yoplait her vote, affirming her already life-long loyalty to the yogurt brand.

Brand Z - Zurich: Or perhaps we're thinking of Eagle Star. How did BUPA end up in the clutches of super Quinn? What will Bank of Ireland be named after it's rescued by Brereton's pawnbrokers? After years of sanctimoniously telling us all how to manage our lives, we experience a sense of schadenfreude as we see financial services in disarray. No wonder the Financial Regulator doesn't know a tracker bond from a convoy of 46A buses.

As for caring about which brand delivers customer value...zzzzzzz.  Final Stray Thought as we tackle 2009: If you can't manage a prosperous New Year, have a healthy and happy one.

Go neiri libh uile.

breandanobroin@companyofwords.com

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